I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I am feeling down.
Am I depressed? Yes.
Will I feel better sometime? Who the fuck knows.
I think of a line by the artist jpegmafia that says "Don't rely on the strength of my image".
We often present a strong forefront but have zero idea what they fuck we are doing, nor the means to actually exact any form of normalcy or change in our own life.
Actally, Peggy's entire song is just beautiful:
I feel annoyed (feel annoyed)
I'm feelin' strange, I feel the gains, I fill a void (void)
I'm still a roach, I'm doin' shows, I feel employed (feel employed)
Even though I'm coy (though I'm coy), and you know that, boy
C'mon, I still feel the same (same)
I feel afraid, this Easy A, I'm feelin' framed (feelin' framed)
I wear a mask, I see the Banes
I'm still ashamed ('shamed)
Even though they aim, it's crazy, man
Feel like I'm losin' hope (losin' hope)
I'm on the web, I net the gross, I see the growth (see the growth)
I feel engaged, I'm in the game, don't need a coach
But I really do (really do), really don't (nigga)
Huh, I just been in my head (in my head)
I'm gettin' fried, I'm on the side, I'm Kevin Fed (Kevin Fed)
I played with fire, I can't retire, I need the bread, stat (man)
Don't rely on the strength of my image, hey
If it's good, then it's good
Break it down, the shit is outta my hands, whoa
No matter how things may seem, they are never that way. And, there is this constant need to continually perform or show improvement and I am sick of it.
I am tired of having to prove myself. I am not feeling creative and am struggling doing the smallest things...but I HAVE TO.
I don't have a choice. I need the bread. I just want to run away.
And that's ok.